I don’t spend anytime on here really anymore but I wasn’t sure where else to post a blog so I figured I’d update this then probably post some song that I’m listening to right now.

My life looks nothing like it did in May when I got here. Nothing turned out how I expected it to or even how I wanted it. I miss California & I miss the way everything was before I came out here. All of it. I don’t feel like coming out here was a mistake or regret it but I just feel like nobody knows me anymore. I’ve made so few friends out here and the biggest fault to that is my own anti social behavior. I have no desire to get to know most people after a first or second impression. The loneliness that has developed over the last couple months is just my own. I can’t stand being home all the time I can’t stand going out. I can’t stand being alone and I can’t stand being around groups. I wish I could step outside myself, collect my head then put it back together.

 I’m not even sure what it is I want. I just feel so defeated even though I’m not sure what it is I lost. I’ve made professional connections here and have worked so hard but not realizing a full pay off has been discouraging. I wish I had some piece of mind to fall asleep to. In 2-3 years when I’m working a job I love with the nice things I’m lacking now and probably still alone I’ll hopefully look back and not remember the nights like these but until then I just want to lay on the floor and listen to my favorite albums. I’m a bastard and so far from a sad story. Pay me no mind.